May 3

And now that Crystal has driven away I feel a pit opening that threatens to overtake this whole idea of coming out into the mountains. Here I am at this lame county park beside a reservoir, the light goes across the grass at a sad angle, casting everything in bronze. Without her, I find this silence truly terrifying. I wish I could call her back here and give her my truth, the totality of everything I have held back or anyway I have ever failed her. Why have I chosen five months in these mountains? I wish I had chosen her for five months. Five uninterrupted months of her laughter and skin. I feel dizzy and acutely sensitive to this light and those birds moaning off in the trees. How have I ever allowed myself to love someone enough to miss them like this? I miss everyone right now. I feel painfully alone right now, surrounded by birdsong, quaking leaves, and fading light. Good god, it is time for me to go into the mountains, go into myself.